You’re a man! You should never have to justify your beard and we’ll never ask you to! You probably enjoy the benefit of your beard initiating conversations all on its own. What can’t your beard do? Well, unfortunately it can’t supply your brain with facts to back up the knowledge that you’ve discovered sporadically through your face fur’s presence. Don’t worry, I’ve got your back! Here are 10 facts that back up the fact that beards are badass!
1. FEAR THE BEARD: People ‘Fear the Beard’! No, this isn’t just some stupid sporting slogan to get you to rally behind your team… This fear is actually called ‘pogonophobia’. Someone suffering from this phobia will experience feeling weak in the knees, sweating and irregular heartbeat. Hell, you may call it a phobia, but when I see this in the ladies, I know the truth. It’s the uncontrollable affection, lust and desire caused by her frail and swooning heart!
2. It’s all about the inches: In an average year, your beard will grow about 5.5 inches. But don’t worry, according to your girlfriend, that’s about 9 inches… if you know what I’m talking about!
3. Don’t worry when you shed a few hairs: Your manly mane is quite the bodacious bush! I’m no mathematician or accountant, but by closest estimates, there are around 30,000 whiskers that grace your face.
4. Words of wisdom: Everybody knows that a handsome beard is a significant symbol of strength. Of course you’re a badass cause you have an impressive beard and the inherent strength that comes with it, but another side effect of that beefy bush is unwavering wisdom. “Above all else, a philosopher should always have a long beard in order to inspire confidence in his students.” There is truth in these words, as how can one reasonably respect and honor the teachings and opinions of a fresh faced fellow who appears inexperienced in the ways of the world.
5. That’s not half bad: What do you think about when someone tries to shame you and your exquisite mane by claiming that facial hair is for social degenerates and psychopaths? If you reach for the nearest sharp object and stab them 23 times in the throat, you may have just proved their point… Reality states, however, that the majority of men from around the world adorn their faces with their natural fur. 55% is the official number on that!
6. This is no homeless movement: Becoming one with your beard was once believed to be an indication of a low socioeconomic status. The fact of the matter is this, that was a very short time, in the grand scheme of things, and was a very flighty fad. Some believe that the beard scene is one of those ‘things’ that will quickly come and go, but I’m here to tell you that the beard is back. It may have lost it’s popularity for a bit, but popularity was never what it was about. Strength, patience, wisdom, pride…These are the things that make a beard desirable.
7. Gold and beards: Hey, 2-Chainz, you got nothing man! Mr T, look at the gold that badass brought to the party, accompanied by his beefy beard. Speaking of Gold and Beards, in Ancient Egypt men would gold plate their beards to showoff and accentuate their social status. During special occasions, such as the spiritual solar eclipses, kings would even slap beard postiches on their queens and royal cows!
8. Never give the beard the axe: Want to talk about a badass with a deep sense of loyalty to his beard? In 1535, when Sir Thomas More was unjustly sentenced for the crowns perception of treason, he had words that will ring true to your heart. Sir Thomas More said something to the effect of, ‘my beard is innocent of any crime, and thusly, does not deserve the axe.’ He followed this up with a heroic repositioning of his beard so that it would not be harmed during his beheading!
9. Don’t touch me there: The beard is a sign of virility and honor! During the Middle Ages, touching another man’s beard was considered offensive and was grounds for a duel. On the other hand, when a woman touches a man’s beards, that’s grounds for a pregnancy… So when it comes down to it, don’t touch me there, unless you’re willing to suffer the consequences!
10. Define prehistoric: In prehistoric times, the men grew out their beards for three primary functions: warmth, protection and intimidation… How the hell would anyone even know that? Doesn’t prehistoric mean that it was before history? Besides, in the times of discovering fire and inventing the wheel, I’m pretty sure it was a tough feat for those folks to find a razor! It’s not like they were taking time off from their hunting and gathering to hit the barber shop for a high and tight and a straight shave.
11. Ladies, ladies, ladies: I think that one of the most important facts on this list is this… The ladies love the beards! This isn’t just some jackass boasting of the beauty of his beard. There have been several scientific studies that show that bearded men are not ONLY more attractive, they also appear healthier, more masculine and appear to be better parents! Take that, you smooth skinned wimps!
Gentlemen, there you have it! 11 facts that will help you combat the stupidity of the questions brought forth by people trying to initiate a conversation based purely upon the majesty of your beard.
Sport your beard with pride, and Let Your Razor Rust!
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